Paul, in Ephesians 5:31, quoted what Moses said in Genesis 2:24: “Therefore, a man leaves his father and his mother and clings to his wife, and they become one flesh.” It is interesting that the man is to cling to his wife and not the woman to her husband. The word “cling” connotes a strong bonding that glues him to his wife; it is a bond so tight that it requires a great effort to pry him away from her.
The marriage God ordained is intended to be permanent and exclusive. As a family, it is exclusively between the couple as the husband is to leave his previous family to begin a new one with his wife. They are no longer two individuals from two separate families. Now, they must work to protect and maintain the oneness God intended. It takes precedence over all the other relationships they had before marriage. Research shows that the two most common causes that destroy this oneness are parents-in-laws and even children. They can become the “wedge” to separate us from one another in this relationship.
This oneness is not automatically achieved but requires hard work as our sinful nature makes us selfish, prideful, and ungrateful. The sinful nature seeks only to gratify our own desires rather than our spouse’s desires. We often choose to do what we like rather than consider what the other likes. Self-centeredness causes many of our marriages to fall apart as each is focused on seeking only to satisfy our desires instead of our spouse’s.
There are three other common causes that can harm this oneness: money, sex, and house chores. Sadly at times, the three are rolled into one as a bargaining tool to get our spouses to do what we want. A sister once told me that if her husband did not wash the dishes after a meal, he would not be allowed to eat the next meal. In counseling, a common complaint from the husband is that his wife refuses to have sex with him if he does not agree with her. However, in I Corinthians 7:3, Paul said, “The husband should give to his wife her conjugal rights, and likewise the wife to her husband.” These things are not to be used as a bargaining tool to get our spouse to do what we want. Instead, we must serve one another by looking out for each other’s interest.
When my husband and I were preparing for our marriage in 1991, we chose Philippians 2:4—”Let each of you look not to your own interest, but to the interests of others”—as our wedding theme to remind us that from now on, we are one. Everything we do as a married couple is to help one another to be more like Christ by looking first to one another’s interest rather than our own. It is no longer “I” but “we” or “ours”. In my naïve thinking, I thought that we would “live happily ever after” from that point on.
Very quickly, I realized that “happily ever after” is only in
fairy tales. I felt betrayed and angry when my needs were not met; especially when I felt I was the only one doing my best to put his interests first. In my frustration, I told myself, “Why should I put his interests first?” Sometimes I would allow my emotions to control me to a point that I lost my joy and peace. I became easily irritated and resentful and began saying and doing things that hurt our relationship. Thankfully our gracious God, the Holy Spirit, often pointed me to a familiar Bible verse: “Love does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful” (I Corinthians 13:5).
Psychologist Dr. John Groholhas said, “Relationships live and die not by the sword, but by the amount of discussion.” What he meant was that the survival of our relationships is dependent on how much we communicate with each other.
Married couples must find a way to communicate regularly, openly and directly with one another about their needs and feelings. Someone said that the minute we stop communicating, it is the end of the marriage. The lack of communication is the number one cause of marital conflicts and divorce. Author Dave Meurer has said, “A great marriage is not when the perfect couple comes together. It is when an imperfect couple learns to enjoy their differences.”
It is true that there is no such a thing as a perfect couple, but a good marriage requires a lot of hard work by an imperfect couple through kind and patient communication with each other. The longevity of a marriage is not about just having love for one another but also about communicating lovingly to one another. The imperfect couple learns to love like their perfect Maker, God Himself, who unconditionally and sacrificially seeks the interest of his wicked and ungrateful bride.
Some thoughts to ponder about loving one another:
-True love is accepting the whole person—the good, bad, and ugly parts of my spouse.
-True love is to help and build up my spouse rather than making him stumble or tearing him down.
-True love is to respect and not despise.
-True love never ends.
-Then the Lord said, “It is not good that man should be alone; I will make him a helper as his partner” (Genesis 2:18). Marriage displays God’s goodness to mankind. He intended the marriage relationship to be an intimate, productive and fulfilling one for each other and those around us. May God bless your marriage and empower you to be a faithful and kind spouse to your mate.
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